You guys know what dyslexia is? Are you on board? Did you know that shit? Like, other people will decide when you are cool, uncool, finished, relevant, irrelevant, want a selfie, don’t care. She had never worked before, so she did the one thing that women who spoke good English in India did. You’re like, “Listen, I haven’t acted yet. The world's got a lot of problems, but Vir Das has a lot of answers as he discusses travel, religion, his childhood and more in this stand-up special. Do you know what it’s like to live in a house with six empty bedrooms? I remember the first time I told my mom, typical Indian mom, I was like, “Mom, I can’t write joint letters.” And she was like, “Why don’t you write all the letters first and join them later?” “Because I’m writing an essay, Mom, not designing a fucking freeway.” So I had to write all of my exams in block letters, so in my final grade 12 exam, I got 52% in English, even though my answers were good.

Like, if I went to my parents, “Mom, Dad, I’m dyslexic,” they’d be like, “Shut up, boys are not meant to be with boys.” But… By the way, if you’re dyslexic, being gay is a great choice. – They’re like… “This is where the temple will be.” Because that is the defining political question of India for 30 years. Hallowed be thy name… Yalla be thy name. And, Muslims, you get Friday? It made me so happy, guys. I spoke to one and she said, “If you want to be a good feminist, forget how you treat women, begin with how you view yourself as a man because 80% of masculinity is bullshit.” And you think about that… Like, aren’t you tired of being a man? Vir has 18 films, 8 television shows and is the founder of ‘Weirdass Comedy’, a comedy production studio based in Mumbai, India that is currently producing and creating multiple series and films for OTT and terrestrial channels in both India and America. I believe that 99.99999348% of Sardars are incredibly intelligent individuals. Toothpaste is going to come out of your ears? You know what I like to do? You can just feel it… on the inside. You see the Queen of England behind her just picking that shit up. India has 72 million uneducated Indian men left over if you do this. And for the world to progress, you need to go. Can we agree on that, yeah? An aspiring young country singer finds the band she's been missing when she takes a job as a nanny for a musically talented family. The Earth is about to explode. How big is it? Vir entered the international stage with his acclaimed Netflix special Abroad Understanding and followed those up with two more specials, Losing It and most recently Vir Das: For India. So clearly not a fancy hospital, more of a cottage industry, family business setup. Three, four words. And it affects the way you treat other people. He said, “Man, one day, my stomach was hurting. JOHN MULANEY: SNL MONOLOGUE (2020) – TRANSCRIPT, RONNY CHIENG: ASIAN COMEDIAN DESTROYS AMERICA (2019) – TRANSCRIPT, MICHAEL MCINTYRE: SHOWMAN (2020) – TRANSCRIPT, ROB SCHNEIDER: ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS (2020) – TRANSCRIPT. Ladies and gentlemen, “Chrislam…” Breathe, breath, breath. That was fun. That’s what I believe. Big, big balls. I want to be a superhero. That means when they were in there, they looked around and shit. I thought about how this might be a story my grandfather Baba would tell. This is our God. I’m proposing humbly a two-week course in school where all children cross-dress. Speaking of which, why are men so obsessed with wardrobe? You get head gear, mouth gear, rubber gloves, apron, brushes, detergents.

Shut the fuck up! Have you heard that in your lives, yeah?

I learned… …that your talent belongs to you… and weirdly, your reputation belongs to other people. He struggled.” I did not struggle.

Now, we’re gonna pause the show again, so I can explain to the American people what Mastizaade is. We are producing our body weight in sperm on a daily basis when we are 16. #MakeVirMarvel All right, uh… It could happen, right? Imagine you boarded a Lufthansa flight and your pilot was Captain Thansa. Just… Ram was like, “Okay, sh… …I’m gonna shoot the deer.” “Good!” “Ram.” “What?” “Why don’t we…” “What?” “Shiva gave it to me, all right?” “Shoot the deer.” “I can see you.” “What is this?” “Shiva gave it to me.” Look, if you remove the bullshit from religion, if you lose 80% of your religion, what’s left over is a cool story.

In the middle of class, I raised my hand. That’s never happened before. Single-hero comic books. To limit… To limit a woman to the achievements of a man is to ask a scientist to become a monkey. My granddad isn’t even dead.

It’s so specific. Man, I think every single school in India should adopt disco nightclub policy. And that’s what I felt. Now… No, no, no. You know, maybe 17 Avengers from now. Americans, Doordarshan is like our CNN, but with credibility. Vir has appeared on Conan and made his American television debut with Whiskey Cavalier and Fresh off the Boat and most recently created and starred in Hasmukh, a Netflix Original show. And she stops me and she’s like, “Wait, you left me a $350 tip.” And I tell her the two-minute version of what it just took me an hour to tell you guys. Oh, this is how I talk now. No. You know, he’s just reading my paper. Symbolically and visually. “Go to that country and exist.” Within one month, they’ll be shitting on monuments, spitting in public, starting illegal businesses, immigration rackets. Let me give you context. Don’t tell the BJP. It’s one of the coolest stories in the world. I just thought it was time to really embrace my roots, you know, and to make my comedy more authentically Indian. I’m like the Genghis Khan of the Holiday Inn chain. I got 20% more fame at the expense of 80% of my credibility. Every time we try to draw the guy, somebody gets shot. D-dshhhh. Maybe you have a loss. He was the greatest storyteller I ever met. And if you don’t understand the difference… then you will make America great again. That’s what you tell yourself. You know how, Christians, you get Sunday? Every now and then, a doctor comes and pokes my stomach. “Uh, Bunty, do you see a perfectly healthy appendix?” “No, Santok, it looks kind of disheveled and it’s curving to the left.” “Bunty, that’s not his appendix.” So now I just lie and everybody around me is happier for it, I think. There’s first, second… third… …third… …third… and fourth. I can. Oh, as somebody who grew up in Africa, it made me so happy to see… You know, it just made me happy to see African voices and African perspectives and African fashion, packaged together beautifully to make money for nine white people. I’m just here for the beef.

For protection, they took along Ram’s brother Laxman. Because if you write it down on a piece of paper… in block letters… “I know where you are right now… …because I’ve been here too. I went from Shakespeare, Byron and Keats to, “Eh, madam, eh!” I couldn’t do the examination thing. This beautiful mix of just grief and plagiarism, to be honest. Nobody does it better than him. Yuck. Directed by Marcus Raboy.

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